"That wall wasn’t autism itself, it was me not knowing I had it". - Marieke

I am Marieke, I’m 49, and I have helped with the translation of the interviews on this site to English. I live in the north of the Netherlands, in a quiet village together with my three cats. I keep myself busy with my volunteerwork at an antique shop, and my biggest hobby: cooking. 

In 2014 I had to call in sick at work, because of a combination of symptoms from epilepsy, depression and burnout. Eventually I received full benefits for occupational disability, and I had to completely change around my life. I had to learn how to cope with constant low energy levels, sensory overstimulation, and a whole new life rhythm without work. I had lost my love for music because everything had turned into “noise”. My tv went to the attic. I moved, away from a noisy apartment and the city bustle. And then there you are, on the couch in your home, and your life is suddenly smal and empty.

At Inter-Psy Groningen I was in luck because of their extensive knowledge about women with autism, and I received my diagnosis fairly quickly. A lot fell into place: my problems with social connection, failures at job and education, the constant lack of energy and sensory problems. 

I remember when I had just stopped my university studies, and I thought, it seems like there is a glass wall between me and the world. Whatever I do, whatever I try, I cannot break though, everything fails. That wall wasn’t autism itself, it was me not knowing I had it. Because after the diagnosis I have been able to learn so much and catch up, my self confidence has grown so much. Only when you know what causes your problems, you will know how to deal with them in the best way.

But autism also has its positive sides: I have a wide range of interests, and I want to keep learning. I have some main interests such as Indian cuisine, and luckily there is always something new to discover there, but I also love history, art, languages, other cultures. I also recognise myself in such characteristicas as thinking analytically, being strongly empathetic (overwhelmingly so), standing for my opinion. 

I feel proud of how in the past ten years I have managed to climb out of a deep depression, and despite remaining low energy, I now feel stronger and better than I have ever done before. Of course there are still valleys, there always will be, and there are still plenty of things to work on. But I now have the confidence that I can achieve my goals. For example, right now there’s a very practical goal of finally getting a driver’s license! I’ve had a lot of help from a good psychotherapist and home based counselling. I’m also very happy with my volunteer job, where there’s always peace and quiet, and understanding.

My tip for other women with autism: make use of available help, take the lead, because it’s your life. Watch out for common pitfalls such as perfectionism, and accommodating others at your own expense. Also, don’t be afraid and try new things. For example, I’ve travelled alone for years. Yes, I plan ahead as much as possible so I won’t be unpleasantly surprised. But I also have the freedom to structure my time how it suits me, to take rest when I need it, not to depend on others. I can recommend it to anyone who loves travelling!